Dear Abby Ticked Me Off

Bright and early this morning, sipping my first cup of freshly brewed coffee, I came unglued.

Some grandmother was feeling that her daughter was being slighted by the daughter’s own son. The grandson apparently doesn’t appreciate all his mother does for him and Granny wanted to know just how much a stay-at-home-mom [SAHM] is worth in dollars and cents.

Bowing to the stupidity of statisticians, Abby came up with the figure of $134,121 for a yearly salary. Because SAHMs do so much. They apparently work 91.6 hours per week without ever taking a vacation. They are “housekeeper, laundry machine operator and janitor. Higher paying categories include computer operator, facilities manager, psychologist and CEO.”

Now, I think that SAHMs are wonderful people and that they do their families a great deal of good. However, this list of jobs and the hours worked are a little iffy. I’ve seen cook and chauffer added to the list and then the salary of a 5-star chef in incorporated into the mix and the chauffeur’s salary is added. But – that means that the SAHMs should be cooking gourmet meals and a separate meal for each diner. If there are no eggs Benedict for breakfast, crab Louis salad for lunch, and a five-course meal for supper – give back the salary. Every time you serve hotdogs, take off some bucks. And when you buy some takeout you have to pay money back into the pot.

According to Prevention Magazine, 25% of Americans are dining out each night, but 66% of the remaining 75% or nearly half of Americans are eating some take out or supermarket ready meals. That means only about 25% of Americans are eating home cooked meals.

The chauffeur also does maintenance on the cars in his/her care. How many SAHMs are changing the oil themselves or rotating the tires?

I’ve been both a part-time and a full-time worker. When I worked part-time, I had two children at home. Each day that I worked at work, I worked harder than on the days I stayed home. Unless the SAHMs are washing the floors with toothbrushes, I can’t figure out how much of the time can be spent cleaning up the house, especially when the granny above was talking about a 16-year-old child. The kid was in school all day and driving himself.

I don’t know how much other computer operators make, but in my most recent job, I was paid less than what Senator Kennedy wanted for the new minimum wage. I’ve seen the result of the psychology that mothers impart and it leans toward abnormal psychology.

In order to get 91 hours per week, the SAHMs are working 13 hour days, every day. Every job I have ever had did not pay me to eat. So at three meals a day at 30 minutes per meal, that’s 1.5 hours to add to the daily grind, unless of course they get a one hour meal time. So these brave souls are working 14.5 – 16 hours daily without watching TV – can’t do that on the job – or reading a novel – no jobs let you do that – or going to the gym – you are at work – or recreationally shopping – you can’t be strolling the mall while you are working.

If these paragons of virtue and high wage earners are really working that hard, then all the cars must be sparkling inside and out; the lawn mowed, edged, and the weeds pulled; gourmet meals are presented with fine china and a crystal and a flower arrangement on the table; and the kids are the best behaved and most intellectually stimulated folks this planet has ever seen.

For a six figure salary, one should be really working. Otherwise, maybe SAHMs are worth their weight in gold to their families, but their salary or monetary compensation isn’t quite that high. I guess kissing up to the women is more important than making sense. As you can see, this really irritates me. I think that SAHMs are wonderful. I think that they are great for families. I think that they don’t work nearly as hard as working moms who do all the same stuff that the SAHMs so, but they do it in half the time, during the real second shift.

If you have the luxury of staying home, stop whining. And Granny, butt out.