How Worthless Am I?

I live in a country where worth is based on price. Something that is priceless is not worthless, but the contrary. Something of great worth costs a great price. Cars and houses are status symbols that prove to the world what one’s net worth is. This is also a land of boundless debt, but that’s another essay.

I used to be worth quite a bit in the job market. I had marketable skills that brought in a reasonable amount of money. I was licensed to work and that piece of paper made my skills even more valuable to an employer.

Then … something happened. I got migraines. I worked at the world’s worst hospital in the midst of a class action lawsuit between the staff and the hospital and doctors. It was not a pleasant experience. I tried to ease myself away from the pain and rancor within the walls. The only way to free myself was to take myself away completely.

Then I got a little pretend job. I made very little money. I worked out of my home and the commute was easy and the coworkers were great. My dog rarely threw a hissy fit. It was easy to do the actual work and I learned a new set of skills. But I did not have a license or any paper, in fact, that said I had those skills. So I went back to school and got that piece of paper.

I was a model student. I learned easily and could integrate classroom work with real life experience. I was chosen as the school’s prime graduate in my major. That was especially nice.

Then I went out to the employment world and found that my age and gender were handicaps. Old women are not known as computer whizzes. In fact, we are, as a group, thought to be completely computer illiterate. Transcripts and awards notwithstanding, it was difficult to impossible to get a job.

I ended up with a part time job teaching high school students how to use computers. There were requirements that I continue my own education since my degrees were not the kind the school system really likes. The fact that I could and did teach my students more about the topics than either of the men holding master’s degrees made little difference. Paper is everything in the world of work. Doubly so in the world of education.

I went on to become a technical specialist at a grade school. Nepotism aside, I was great at my job. I designed a computer lab before I even was an actual employee. I was able to upgrade other things as well and got the teachers comfortable, or at least more comfortable than they would have been without me, as they uploaded grades onto an online site that allowed for immediate information transfer. The parents were now able to track their kids’ progress as often as they chose to peek online.

Then I moved away, again. I tried substitute teaching and could manage most of the time. Some kids just aren’t all that interested in school. And most kids know that a substitute teacher is fair game for anything. But still, I thought it was okay even if it was not regular and paid very poorly. That’s another essay as well, the educational system and its ranking in importance as noted by funding. Price indicates worth. So maybe it is part of this topic.

I worked part time in an office making next to no money again. For a year. I was told to sharpen someone else’s pencils because it was beneath the dignity of a person with two master’s degrees to sharpen pencils. I was told, just before I quit, that I was worthless and not even a nice person. Those two things, the comments and the quitting, are directly related.

I’ve been unemployed for almost a year now. I’ve written a book and hope to get it published. I write for an ezine. I go to the gym three times a week. I’m getting bored. So I decided to volunteer. I hear that there is always a need for volunteers. So I filled out my two-page application to give away my time for free. Price equals worth in the US.

Today, in an hour, I have an interview to see if I can even give my time away. Am I so worthless now that I have to submit to the process of begging someone to allow me to spend some of my precious 24-hours that each day gives to all of us at their institution without remuneration? I am nervous. I am unsure. My worth is measured by price in the US. I want to give myself away. I don’t know if anyone will take me.