Change - Terrifying Change

I hate change. I am old and set in my ways. I hate to have my life altered in any way. I would elect to stay in the same place, way, time, life forever more.

So, I quit my job. I do believe that I was hired to do one job - for which I am highly qualified and extremely adept - but was expected to do a second job as well - for which I am totally and intrinsically unsuited. I cannot be the type of person to do that second job. I can do the job for which I was being paid. I do it quite well. I cannot do what I was not paid to do, but it made the whole experience untenable.

So I quit. I feel relieved that I don't have to be what I am not. I feel saddened because I actually liked the part of the job I was being paid to perform.

Now I have to decide what to do next. I could call myself retired. I am old enough and financially able to retire. But I have a low tolerance for boredom. I need something to do with my time. I enjoy being productive. I enjoy being a contributing member of society.

I was not a stay-at-home mom. I was not an overly ambitious mom, either. I worked 2-3 days a week and earned enough money to make a difference in our family's financial health. Then I opted to leave a higher paid profession for something new - an entirely uncharacteristic move. I opted to start over while in my 40s. I went back to college and earned a different degree.

I then used that degree to teach other people how to appreciate my area of expertise. I liked that. I especially liked it when whiney high school Chadults or is that Adren? complained that what I was teaching was stupid, useless, and basically unlearnable. Since it was a combined class with first and second level students in the same room I had the chance to listen to the same whiners telling the next session of whiners how it was easy and actually would become useful. Ah, the beauty of education.

Then I took my skill set and moved to smaller people, real children. And it was another learning curve for me. With very small children, wet carpet is always a possibility. When a small person is telling you they are sick while clutching their stomach, it is wise to move back and off to one side because the carpet is in for another kind of hit. But they learn. And when you are there for a few years, you can see the miraculous growth.

But I had to give that up, too. So I tried a different tack. I tried a different way to use what I know. I knew I was selling myself short. I knew that I was not going into a high powered situation. I knew that I was being paid inadequately. I knew that I was being given a chance to learn a bunch of new stuff. I tried.

However, I am not the person for the job. I cannot be that other type of person. That is not who or what I am. I know both my strengths and my weaknesses. I cannot play to my weaknesses and create something fabulous. I can use my strengths to create wonderful things.

So here I am, without a job. Even though it wasn't the world's best job, I hated to give it up because it did serve a purpose and as I said, I hate change.

But ... my reasons are plentiful. My integrity - my desire to be able to be proud of who and what I am - is the underlying reason. I will have to forego another season of comfort on some level in order to achieve comfort at a higher level. It's all a crap shoot. It's all about change. I hate change.