Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Please Be Aware That Calls May Be Monitored

The phone is broke. It has been broken for a whole day now. My neighbor’s phone is not broke. So it must be my system. I have a TeleZapper, which eliminates computer dialed phone calls and tells the computers that my phone number is disconnected. I disconnected that and I still have a broken phone.

But I have a cell phone. I can use my cell phone. To call the phone company. And my call is important to them. But my call may be recorded for quality assurance. I was told, gleefully, that the telephone system has recently upgraded their help line and made it completely automated. I got to talk to a computer generated smarmy voice.

Please say your phone number, said the smarmy computer voice. I did not understand that, said the smarmy voice. Did I understand your phone number, said the smarmy voice – repeating my phone number. Please say yes. I said yes. I did not understand that, said the smarmy voice. Yes, I said. I did not understand that said the smarmy voice. YES!!! I screeched. Ok, said the smarmy voice.

Please spell your first name, in case we have to contact you, like S-a-m [just in case people operating phones do not know what the term “spell” means]. So I spelled my name. Understood on the first try! Please enter using the keypad or say another phone number where you can be reached. I speak my cell phone number. Is this a good number to reach you at, in case a technician has to enter your home to fix the problem, says the smarmy voice. Yes, I scream. I did not understand you, says the smarmy voice.

What I really wanted to say to the stupid computer generated system is that of course I would give them an invalid phone number to try to call just because I enjoy playing practical jokes on humorous computers. Knowing that computers do not understand sarcasm, thereby creating a sarchasm, I yelled YES again.

My phone will be repaired by 6-P-M on August-8-2-thousand-6. If I need that repeated say “repeat” says the smarmy voice. If I need more information, say “more information” says the smarmy voice. If you are totally delighted with this system, says the smarmy voice, say goodbye. Where was the term I really wanted to use in closing? It’s in the dictionary under the letter “f.”

I don’t know if my call was recorded, but if it was, I will probably be yelled at for swearing while smarmy voice rattled on and on about stupid shit. I used a wide range of profanity while being irritated by the smarmy voice, using my minutes from my cell phone, waiting for smarmy voice to computer generate data.

I hope they ask me how much I liked their service. We complain about outsourcing jobs and then when a person would be nice to talk to, we have a computer generated voice, or someone from Delhi answering the phones. No wonder there are so many unemployed people in the US. The computers have the jobs.

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