Little Germany

I live in Little Germany. No, there aren't a bunch of ex-patriots living here after leaving Deutschland. I live in a HomeOwners Association Nazi village. There are people here who have never once even hinted at paying my electric bill, let alone paying off the house itself, who believe that they have every right to tell me what I can do with said house.

They insist on approving everything I wish to do. At least on the outside of my house. Actually, there are things I'm not permitted to do to my garage, as well. And maybe they want me to think in a certain manner. They do need total control. My garbage can was out too early once and they sent me a very nasty letter. Threatened to issue a fine if I ever had the temerity to try THAT stunt again.

I had to cry to get my lanai enclosure put up. Well, I had to pretend to cry to get approval. And I was wearing a sheer top and a lacy bra. But it worked and I got permission. The lanai is much nicer now. That rotting wood appeared to be okay, but something nice and clean and with windows and screens that didn't sag and a door that actually closes – well we can't have that sort of stuff just popping up. I mean think of the chaos.

The HOA is a bunch of volunteers who go around terrorizing the citizens and keep the pool open. I've actually used the pool. Twice this past summer. When the grandchildren were visiting. Other than that – I've not been there. And they even complain about that. I'm supposed to go to the pool and meet people – young parents with screaming children. I used to go to the pool daily when I was the young parent with the screaming children. It was great then. Probably not so much now.

We also pay for a service from some idiots who "help" with the community. They are paid so much per household per year and they do stuff like ignore emails and not return phone calls. Their own website claims that they will help maintain the community's website. But they don't.

There are monthly Board Meetings where the volunteer Board Members get to act important. This is Roberts' Rules stuff and so there should be an agenda which is made out by the President in the real world. And then there are minutes taken, which should be done by the Secretary as in the real world. The next month, the minutes are approved and then the paid people take the minutes and make a PDF file because somehow just HTML is not good enough. They then upload them to the portion of the website for our Little Germany Nazi place. This can take weeks to months. We are then chided for not being up on the issues of the community.

In a bid for sanity, I used the message boards and asked that the President his very own self place an agenda and the Secretary his very own self put up the approved and the tentative minutes on the message boards. Since the paid help doesn't do this, I figured that the guys who actually do the work could bypass the bottleneck of the overworked Holly who was outraged that I would question her dedication to her job and use her name on the message boards right before she uploaded the minutes only 15 days AFTER the meeting where they were approved – a mere six weeks later than the actual meeting.

One of the Board Members must be a descendant of Adolph's because he is just so dictatorial. He loves being a BM and shits all over the rest of us. He enjoys throwing his power around and does it with a snide and nasty manner. He is all for totalitarian government with himself as head of state. However, he isn't all that good at it and so there are issues. Who would even imagine such a thing?

He and his wife peruse the message boards and he rarely responds. However, his wife, Eva Braun, is forever protecting his back. Her favorite thing is "why don't you volunteer" as if we wanted the stupid jobs. I've volunteered for many things over the years. And when I did that, I assumed that I was supposed to actually DO what I volunteered for. I didn't just volunteer to be able to write it on a résumé somewhere and then go on my merry way.

The people who ran for the Board of Directors did so and then were elected to the position. They asked to be rulers of the little fiefdom. I guess it is enjoyable when you get to make the homeowners cry, or at least pretend to cry, but not so much when you have to actually work a little bit.

To make Eva Braun happy, I've volunteered to let the President and the Secretary email me with the agenda and the approved and tentative minutes and post them on the message boards. I'm not sure how that would save them any time at all, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Little Germany be a place of harmony and light.

It would be nice if they could make the guy with the fence that is falling down get it repaired, but that probably isn't as much fun as making sure that no one has a For Sale sign in their yard.