I'm Too Old for This

Perhaps I should have entitled this 'I Should Know Better' instead. Let me start out by saying that I'm typing this one handed. At least I'm typing it right handed, so things could be worse.

Prelude
Since I am unemployed, I have nothing but free time. I have very little structure to my days and vast stretches of open time. One of my favorite pastimes – since I was five years old and first learned how, is reading. I enjoy reading. I enjoy learning. I enjoy being entertained and creating the author's world in my own imagination.

Watching television or a movie means I surrender my imaginative process to the producer, director, and actors. I prefer my own version, stimulated by the author over the version created to fit within the current constraints of film (video).

Reading, however enjoyable it is, does not burn many calories. Even when reading a heavy tome. And I often read paperbacks. Not only does the act of reading not burn many calories, it is also a wonderful time to ingest calories. Reading a book while munching on potato chips or some other treat is a splendid way to spend a sunny afternoon or stormy evening.

Then there is the inescapable fact that I am getting older by the second. Each day adds more time to my accumulated stay on Mother Earth. I started out my journey here as an infant, moved towards toddler, crept up on pre-schooler, sped into student, ran into teenaged years, hurried into adulthood, and zipped into grandparent status. Now, with AARP card clutched tightly in hand, I am old and careening toward decrepit.

The older I get, the slower things work. Instant recall is no longer instantaneous. Running is really jogging. My metabolism has slowed down. So even though I now have only a bowl of potato chips while I read instead of the whole bag like I used to do, I'm gaining weight. And there is the crux of the problem.

I'm getting fat. Not by any true medical standards, but my own standards. I find my size six clothing tight and uncomfortable. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if I had fewer size six clothes. But I have one walk-in closet, one double closet, and three dressers full of that size. Unless you count Nana's antique piece as a dresser and then I have four. Too many items to replace.

What I need to do, therefore, is keep my fat ass the same size as my clothes. This used to be easy. I had an active job requiring me to do many physically challenging things. I played racquetball and sports with the kids. I moved more and burned calories at a greater rate even as I sat still.

I have tried various methods of exercise since moving south and being sedentary. I went to Curves, I've done water aerobics. I rode my bike. I walk the dog. I really hate to exercise no matter what. I find it abysmal to spend more time on the trip back and forth to the gym than in actual exercise. (There is no logic there because as a slug, I really have nothing else to do with my time.)

I figured that a good way to burn calories would be to get some inline skates. I have watched many people skating past my window as I sit in front of my computer. It looks fun. I got the skates. I put them on for the first time today. Before my grandson was allowed on his skateboard, he was covered in pads – knees, elbows, gloves, and helmet. Me – just gloves.

I was unsteady as might be considered normal. I asked my husband to supervise in case I should fall. I fell. He stood in the driveway and looked on as I yelled 'it hurts' over and over. I had been standing still when my feet flew out from under me. I landed flat on my too fat ass which is thankfully over-padded. When the jarring, stinging pain receded from my posterior, I found my left elbow very painful. I could move it, but only with great pain. And my fingers were going numb.

Finally, after either six lifetimes or a few seconds – depending on perspective – my husband helped me get the skates off and watched me hobble into the house. He immediately got me some ice but my arm continued to cause me considerable pain. We went to the hospital.

I was given a couple pain pills so that I could move my arm adequately to get decent x-rays. The films proved to be negative. I have a bruise and some swelling. But mostly I have a highly irritated ulnar nerve that would like my arm to remain perfectly still and don't even think about moving any fingers.

So, I will be returning the inline skates. I'm really too old to be this stupid. I may have to learn to just like having a wardrobe consisting entirely of a few pairs of stretch pants that will accommodate my copious hind end.

Ben Franklin said that he didn't mind so much being old, but he hated being old and fat. Yep.