Only Because I Love Her

I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't think it would be that bad. My soon to be daughter-in-law is a kind, sweet woman. She is graceful. She is beautiful. She doesn't ask for much. She is shy.

She hesitantly called and asked if I would like to be involved in the pre-wedding parties. I was thrilled. Of course I would like to be part of the joy. I am so glad she is becoming part of our legal family, since she has had a place in my heart for a long time now.

So I said I would love to come to the brunch and the wedding shower. And then …

Last weekend, we found out the hinting at embarrassment and innuendo included in the invitation was real tyranny. Apparently the hostess knew enough not to actually tell us what she planned because the answer would have been a resounding "No, thanks!" Probably screamed at high decibel level. So stealth strumpet went on with her plans.

Last week I knew it was going to involve a sex toy party so the hostess could make money off her 'friend's' (and I'm not really sure about that title) upcoming nuptials. She entrapped Sarah's friends into attending a party for Sarah that turned out to be a party for the hostess, Jaclyn.

I can be a good sport about most things. I graciously (at least I hope I was gracious) met Sarah's friends. I talked with a few guests. I took pictures of all the smiling beautiful young women. I enjoyed one Mimosa and then had to fend off proffered alcohol with several demurs. I'm not sure why my not drinking offends people, but that is a different issue.

So the sex toy people finally arrived. I placed myself in a position across from the bride so I could photograph her opening her real shower gifts. It put me at the beginning of the line and I was handed countless vibrators and assorted what-nots.

The first thing we were told by the sex toy party people was that "what happens in this room, stays in this room." And the second thing was "if anything makes you uncomfortable, you can leave the room or we will stop." Since they didn't stick by the second, I'm not feeling all that compelled to follow the first.

Side note: they passed out a few toys that were advertised as able to use "while in the car." I thought people on cell phones were bad drivers, but apparently little vibrating finger covers will help pass the time while locked in rush hour traffic (exacerbated by the wrecks caused by inattentive drivers).

We played a game like Hot Potato and the two sex toy reps contrived to make sure the Mother and Mother-in-law were the last two people up. I mean, what can be more fun that showing grandmothers playing with sex toys? Amy won a vibrator and I won the chance to be totally humiliated and any last shred of dignity take away from me in a public place and in front of relative strangers and my son's bosses' wives.

As Bitch (I'm sure she told us her name, but I have no idea what it is) came to me to put a black plastic 'leatherette' harness with a pink penis sticking out of it over my head, I crouched and covered. I kept saying no. She kept trying. I explained I was old and might have a heart attack. She told me she was a CCU nurse and could revive me. (I wish I knew her name so I could get her license revoked. This person should NOT be around patients.)

No matter what I did, she didn't leave me alone. I managed to just sit there holding the disgusting toy while everyone took my picture and laughed because there is nothing like total humiliation. Nothing.

Of course, it wasn't only about me. Bitch also humiliated my lovely, sweet, kind, precious daughter-in-law. She was forced into participating in a second humiliating and cruel game. But because she is lovely and didn't want to embarrass Jaclyn, who seems totally beyond embarrassment to me, she participated with far more grace than I could muster.

Since we were permitted out of our seats for the second humiliation fest, we managed to avoid going back to the room. This should have been a hint to Bitch and Co-Bitch, but not so much. They were now passing out a tingling gel on little tongue depressors. But of course, this wasn't to go on your tongue. We were to go to the bathroom and put this crap on our crotch. I managed to avoid Bitch and yet she tracked me down and proffered the offensive goo. I declined. She tried again. I politely declined. She insisted. I reminded her, no longer politely, about her rule to not force anything and I didn't want the shit. She left.

Bitch and Co-Bitch then insisted we come and all sit down for more 'fun and excitement' while they went through the rest of their product line. As soon as B&CB left to go into the back room to take orders, more than half the women fled the scene. This upset Jaclyn. I'm not sure why. If she thought this was such a wonderful idea for a brunch, why wasn't it listed on the invitation? She knew this was a bad idea and did it anyway and then was upset when no one wanted to cooperate. No kidding.

My next hurdle will be meeting most of these young women again on Tuesday. There will be a real shower with real shower games. Colleen will be permitted to attend because it won't be offensive. But I will be there meeting women who will remember me as the old woman with a plastic dick on her chest. Great. I can hardly wait. Humiliation au duex.