Not As Important As The Wedding

Toilet Paper

I was traveling for a week. I spent ten hours in the car getting to my destination. I spent two days in a public elementary school. I stayed at my sister’s house for a few days. I spent two nights in a nicer hotel. I spent five hours in a car, stopped at a less nice hotel, and then spent another five hours in a car and finally arrived back home.

Someone said something about the average number of sheets of toilet paper used per trip to the bathroom. This got me thinking. All I can say is that not all toilet paper is created equal.

First, there is size. I’m not sure why public restrooms think my butt shrunk or I recently downsized my hands, but their paper is about one-half to one inch narrower than real toilet paper. This isn’t the best plan, but I realize that in rest stops along public highways, one is lucky to simply find any paper at all. I was grateful each time I could select one stall and have it stocked with all essential equipment.

Second, there is thickness. I don’t know if the sheets in the average talked about above were single- or double-ply. But the thickness of the toilet paper is very important. Very important.

Third, there is the actual paper itself. The cheapest paper seems to be smaller width, single-ply, and made to disintegrate on any contact with dampness. This is not at all helpful for the women’s bathrooms. Perhaps this stuff was invented and purchased by men. Women need some absorbency to their toilet paper since that is what we use it for most of the time. Having the tiny tissue paper stuff melt away leaves one feeling messy on so many levels.

What I noticed was that I did not count how many sheets of toilet paper I actually was using, but rather I was concerned with cubic mass. I needed length, breadth, and depth to make sure that my pristine hands were not drenched or otherwise soiled. Trying to wash one’s hands in a public restroom is another problem. No hot water, soap nowhere near the sink, and then the green friendly [how is wasting all that electricity green friendly?] hand blow dryers that never seem to get hands actually dry. Oftentimes, in a ruse to make a traveler attempt cleanliness, there is a paper towel dispenser. There must be a rule that this can only be filled every other Thursday if it happens to be a full moon.

I am back at my house with full sized paper that is two-ply and quilted with an absorbency quality that is up to the task. I am near sinks with handy soap dispensers and fluffy, clean towels. I guess I’m just not cut out for world travel.