Life Is Not Fair

I'm not sure why we strive for perfection. There is no perfection here on earth. There is near perfection on rare occasions. But we want perfect. Always perfect.

I always thought that if we kids were perfect than our father would remain sober. If we didn't do anything "bad" like noise or messes, then perhaps we wouldn't have to live with a man who could not control his own drinking.

Of course, the entire problem was that the man could not control his drinking and had no bearing whatsoever on what the imperfect children did. The imperfect adult was in control. Sorta.

Since I lived in a house with an alcoholic, my fears are based on living in a house with an alcoholic. But since in the lottery of life there are no perfect parents, other kids grow up to be adults trying to "correct" the mistakes from their own childhood homes.

There were no perfect childhood home. See paragraph one.

Children are not responsible for the sins of their parents, but it is really difficult to tell the kids that. But we try. And that is a good thing. Because truly, the kids are not responsible for the sins of the parents.

However, we may be doing too good of a job. While we convince kids they are not responsible for the sins of the parents, they may over-generalize to their stance that they are simply not responsible. And carry that irresponsibility into adulthood.

No home is perfect. However, there are certain choices that are made by adults that can lend to more imperfection than is absolutely necessary.

In a committed relationship, there should be no cheating. If you cheat, you are responsible for all the pain and heartache you cause to your partner and to any children who were unfortunate enough to be around.

If you live with a limited income – and even Bill Gates has a limit, but that's not the type of limits I'm speaking of here – and you spend money like water, you are irresponsible. If you spend grocery money on frivolous items that you do not need, you are responsible for the pain and heartache you bring into your home.

If you choose to opt out of reality for short times by overindulging in alcohol or drugs, you are responsible for the pain and heartache you bring into reality after the buzz wears off. As a child of a drunk, I know from where I speak. Booze is bad, drugs, being illegal are even worse.

I know that these are the top three problems in marriages. I know that living in a house with one or more of these problems scars the kids. I know that all children are scarred in some fashion because … see paragraph one.

I don't think that means we can give up. We, each and every one of us, comes from a flawed past. There is no other kind. I vowed to not make the same mistakes my parents made, I found new ones. And my children are finding new ones of their own.

All I really know for sure is that the Golden Rule really is all you need. Well, and an open heart that tells you that the annoying shit your significant others are doing are not really a plan to drive you insane, but their own issues from working in a flawed world.

I've learned over the many years that I've been forced to stroll on the planet that things said in anger are the most hurtful. I told my children that they were the best and most wonderful and most brilliant and most talented and most of everything all their lives. And then I got angry and told my son as he remembers it that he was "worthless" and he punched a hole in the wall. All the previous 16 years of his life were wiped out in one hurled epithet.

I can't imagine how horrible it must be to have to hear terrible things over and over again. But it crushes spirits. Fights are never won. Everyone loses in a fight. Even if you "win" you did so by crushing an opponent. When that opponent is someone you love and care about, you've lost big time. When the opponent is just some passing asshole, you've still lost because even for just a moment you have lowered yourself to asshole status. You cannot win a fight.

You can, however, win a discussion. You can negotiate a peace. You can find out what everyone wants and work towards getting as much as possible for everyone at the table. This is both easier and more difficult with a loved one. Easier because you can at least talk with someone and harder because the stakes are higher.

Be kind to each other, everyone out there is fighting an uphill battle.