For My Son

"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." - Samuel Johnson

Some astounding news from the medical community is something I've known for a long time. They have found, much to their amazement, that admitting an error makes the patient less likely to sue. For a long time, it was thought that ignoring the issue was a way to not admit any wrongdoing and hopefully avoid a judgment. They were wrong.

I watched one of my favorite surgeons make an error through no fault of his own (IMHO). He had asked the anesthetist to not paralyze the patient as he had to check nerve response. The anesthetist went on a coffee break and did not tell the relief person about this request. The relief person gave a paralytic agent to the patient. I have no idea why. I was on my own coffee break at the time.

Because the surgeon had no idea his request had been ignored, he tested a band, which did not respond, and so assumed it was the tendon sheath and not the neural sheath. It was the nerve and it was severed and it was a bad thing. When the original anesthetist returned to the room, he advised the surgeon about the paralytic agent. The mistake was then discovered and we tried desperately and futilely to repair the nerve.

After the case the surgeon went out and immediately talked with the family and explained the nerve damage and possible repercussions. He did not blame anesthesia. It was ultimately his responsibility to make sure that his nerve testing was on active nerves. He was devastated by the error and I had never seen him so upset with himself. Not anesthesia, himself.

He told the family what he could do to help them. As soon as the patient was awake enough to understand, he was told about the error. The patient did not sue the doctor. His admittance, repentance, and apology did not mitigate the disaster, but they did help to keep the whole thing out of the legal system.

The integrity of the doctor was overwhelming. I've never respected a man more thoroughly than this young doctor.

Making a mistake is bad. Even when other people help you make the mistakes, it is still bad. They are mis takes. Actions taken wrongly. Bad things.

I have made many mistakes in my life. There are many times when I have also made good choices, sometimes through pure stupidity or dumb luck. When I have made a mistake, I have been mortified. This is not something that should be happening. I should not make mistakes. I should not ever, EVER HEAR ME? make a mistake. I, and I alone in the world, should live without error. Isn't that a stupid way to feel?

I've made mistakes and then tried to cover them up. That does NOT work. It makes things worse rather than better. I have had to swallow my pride to salvage my integrity. I have had to admit my frailty, my humanness, my relationship to the common man trudging across the dusty plains of Mother Earth. I am not perfect. I am no better than the lowest, stupidest, foulest creature. I made a mistake. Shame, shame, shame.

Eventually I raise my head and notice the world carrying on without me while I wallow in self pity and self denigration. My mistakes have been minor. Relatively speaking. I've never started a war, even if I've started a fight. I've never slaughtered millions, even if I've been acerbic and cutting with my remarks. I've wasted money that could have been used in far better ways.

But the most important thing I've done is learned from my mistakes. I've tried to learn from other people's mistakes as well because I don't really have time to make them all myself. (Someone else said that first, but I'm not looking it up to see who.)

The only people who don't make any mistakes are the people who do nothing. If at first you don't succeed – try, try again. There are many proverbs telling us how to overcome the sense of failure after making a mistake. Edison mentioned that all his errors while trying to create a light bulb were not mistakes. He had learned 10,000 ways to not make a light bulb.

Denying an error, continuing on as if nothing happened is disingenuous. Owning up to a mistake, rectifying it, taking the necessary steps to stop the damage, and most of all learning from the experience takes courage – and integrity.